Matrimonial Blues

My husband and I argue…A LOT. I’ve suggested we see a marriage counselor but he refuses to go. What should I do??

I begin marriage counseling sessions by asking which partner called to schedule the session, although it’s usually apparent: in many cases, the husband sits quietly, arms across his chest, sometimes scowling about having to spend money to talk about personal problems. To be fair, counseling can be hard work. Talking about what’s making the marriage suffer is sometimes painful, and partners may feel that the therapist is on their spouse’s side (in some situations, therapists do take sides, but, by-and-large, good marriage counselors are on the side of a healthy relationship, not one partner over another).

You could tell your husband how important it is that he attends counseling with you. Let him know that this is about fixing your marriage, not him; it’s about what you both can do to improve the relationship. When couples are unhappy, arguing more often than not, and thinking about divorce, very rarely is one person entirely to blame. To be honest, a failing relationship isn’t necessarily a 50-50 divide, either. Sometimes one person has contributed more dysfunction than the other, but the goal is to fix the marriage by taking responsibility—not by assigning blame.

After you’ve expressed to your husband that you would like to go to a marriage counselor so you can both work on bettering your relationship, suggest that you consider the counseling a trial and after three sessions you will evaluate its usefulness. At that time you can decide together whether to proceed with counseling, try a different counselor, or discontinue therapy altogether (but, a word to the wise: if you can’t reach an agreement about the usefulness of counseling without arguing, you should probably continue counseling!). If your husband still refuses to attend even once, you could begin individual counseling. Although it would be best for you both to see a marriage counselor, you personally will still likely benefit from discussing your feelings about the relationship with a licensed professional.