My husband and I
argue…A LOT. I’ve suggested we see a marriage counselor but he refuses to go.
What should I do??
I begin marriage counseling sessions by asking which partner
called to schedule the session, although it’s usually apparent: in many cases,
the husband sits quietly, arms across his chest, sometimes scowling about
having to spend money to talk about personal problems. To be fair, counseling
can be hard work. Talking about what’s making the marriage suffer is sometimes
painful, and partners may feel that the therapist is on their spouse’s side (in
some situations, therapists do take sides, but, by-and-large, good marriage
counselors are on the side of a healthy relationship, not one partner over
another).
You could tell your husband how important it is that he attends
counseling with you. Let him know that this is about fixing your marriage, not
him; it’s about what you both can do to improve the relationship. When couples
are unhappy, arguing more often than not, and thinking about divorce, very
rarely is one person entirely to blame. To be honest, a failing relationship isn’t
necessarily a 50-50 divide, either. Sometimes one person has contributed more dysfunction
than the other, but the goal is to fix the marriage by taking responsibility—not
by assigning blame.
After you’ve expressed to your husband that you would like
to go to a marriage counselor so you can both work on bettering your
relationship, suggest that you consider the counseling a trial and after three
sessions you will evaluate its usefulness. At that time you can decide together
whether to proceed with counseling, try a different counselor, or discontinue therapy
altogether (but, a word to the wise: if you can’t reach an agreement about the
usefulness of counseling without arguing, you should probably continue counseling!).
If your husband still refuses to attend even once, you could begin individual counseling.
Although it would be best for you both to see a marriage counselor, you personally
will still likely benefit from discussing your feelings about the relationship
with a licensed professional.
