Mental Health Monday - What Can Be Done?

“Everything that’s important about life, as a human being, you learn in the context of relationships.”—Dr. Bruce Perry

Answering the “how” and the “why” of events like Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, and Sandy Hook is very difficult. The causes of such massacres are multi-faceted and so too are the explanations for how and why these tragedies can occur in a supposedly civilized society. Again. And again. Everyone seems to agree: mental health care desperately needs reformed. Not everyone is on board with the concept of more laws to govern gun control, but if we’re truly going to address a multi-faceted problem such as this we should probably do so with honesty rather than political blinders and tunnel vision. Actually stopping this tragic and deadly cycle will likely mean reforming both mental health care AND access to guns. It’s not a one-or-the-other proposition.

These changes will no doubt take time. Right now people are eager to help, to reach out somehow, in some meaningful way to do something to help the victims’ families. Watching the news, seeing the pictures of the victims who did nothing but show up for school is absolutely heart wrenching. And for many people, not being able to help or reach out to this devastated community is frustrating if not downright maddening. So some reach for their checkbooks to make a donation; that always seems to help in the aftermath of natural disasters like the other “Sandy” a few weeks back. Others send cards, bake pies, and pray for peace. What else is there to do, when nothing can be undone?

Whether you live in Newtown, Connecticut or any of the other cities or towns that have hosted recent shooting massacres, we are in this together. Not just as a nation but as a species. As we ask “what can be done?” we should look to one another—not to point fingers, blame, and to argue about the politics of gun control. Debating the issues can be constructive to a point but it’s become clear that debating the "how" and "why" of mass shootings has not done anything to prevent them. We should instead look to others to strengthen our communities by building our families.

If anything remotely positive comes from these massacres, perhaps it’s the reminder of the just how fleeting life can be. Maybe the deaths of the 20 young students at Sandy Hook Elementary will serve as a powerful reminder for parents to take the time and energy to nurture our children. Clearly, none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. While we can’t singularly reform mental health care or gun laws, we can influence what goes on in our own homes. We can work today to build positive relationships with the most important people in our lives.

Currently the media are giving much attention to what parents should say to their kids about the tragedy at Sandy Hook. Plenty of good tips abound on the subject, but there is no formula for handling a situation like this. The answer really is less specific: it’s not so much about what you say (or don’t say) to your kids; it’s about being present in your child’s life. Consider the words of Dr. Bruce Perry, a leading expert on childhood trauma, about the role of parents and caregivers in building the resiliency of their kids:

“What makes children get better following a traumatic event is connection to other human beings. Human beings who are present, patient, kind and sensitive. They don’t necessarily need to be psychologically insightful. They don’t even need to know anything about trauma. All they need to know is they are right there with a child, trying to be comforting, supportive and encouraging. Those kinds of interactions can be therapeutic and healing in and of themselves.”

With your children and others, are you patient, kind, and sensitive? Comforting, supportive, and encouraging? Are you “present” for the people in the room with you, or are you too busy debating the “how” and “why” of the latest tragedy on social media? If the important people in your life aren’t your top priority, it’s time for a change.

And the time for change is now.