Mental Health Monday - The Year in Review

As the clock strikes midnight and another year gives way to new possibilities, it’s tempting to “forget the past” in favor of moving forward. But as Socrates wrote, “the unexamined life is not worth living” (of course it’s also been said that “ignorance is bliss,” but I’m assuming that most readers of a mental health blog are interested in pursuing new insight about themselves!). Starting a new calendar year is a great opportunity to spend some time reflecting on the past 12 months. Here are some questions you can think or journal about:

• What were, for me personally, the best parts of the last year? The worst?

• What were the major obstacles I faced over the last year? How did I respond? What would I do differently if given the opportunity?

• What mistakes did I make last year that I hope not to repeat?

• What surprised me?

• What have I learned since last New Year’s Day? How have I grown?

If you kept a diary or if you have a good memory, you can look back month-by-month as you perform your year-in-review, but don’t worry if this is not possible because the chronology isn’t nearly as important as reflecting upon how you responded to the events in your life. Above all, try to focus on what you did, not just on what happened to you.

When you feel your year-in-review is complete, shift your focus to the year ahead. Looking forward to New Year’s Day, 2014, what about you would you like to be different? Think in terms of things you can control or at least influence and then set realistic, obtainable goals to begin working toward the best you yet.

Mental Health Monday - What Can Be Done?

“Everything that’s important about life, as a human being, you learn in the context of relationships.”—Dr. Bruce Perry

Answering the “how” and the “why” of events like Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, and Sandy Hook is very difficult. The causes of such massacres are multi-faceted and so too are the explanations for how and why these tragedies can occur in a supposedly civilized society. Again. And again. Everyone seems to agree: mental health care desperately needs reformed. Not everyone is on board with the concept of more laws to govern gun control, but if we’re truly going to address a multi-faceted problem such as this we should probably do so with honesty rather than political blinders and tunnel vision. Actually stopping this tragic and deadly cycle will likely mean reforming both mental health care AND access to guns. It’s not a one-or-the-other proposition.

These changes will no doubt take time. Right now people are eager to help, to reach out somehow, in some meaningful way to do something to help the victims’ families. Watching the news, seeing the pictures of the victims who did nothing but show up for school is absolutely heart wrenching. And for many people, not being able to help or reach out to this devastated community is frustrating if not downright maddening. So some reach for their checkbooks to make a donation; that always seems to help in the aftermath of natural disasters like the other “Sandy” a few weeks back. Others send cards, bake pies, and pray for peace. What else is there to do, when nothing can be undone?

Whether you live in Newtown, Connecticut or any of the other cities or towns that have hosted recent shooting massacres, we are in this together. Not just as a nation but as a species. As we ask “what can be done?” we should look to one another—not to point fingers, blame, and to argue about the politics of gun control. Debating the issues can be constructive to a point but it’s become clear that debating the "how" and "why" of mass shootings has not done anything to prevent them. We should instead look to others to strengthen our communities by building our families.

If anything remotely positive comes from these massacres, perhaps it’s the reminder of the just how fleeting life can be. Maybe the deaths of the 20 young students at Sandy Hook Elementary will serve as a powerful reminder for parents to take the time and energy to nurture our children. Clearly, none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. While we can’t singularly reform mental health care or gun laws, we can influence what goes on in our own homes. We can work today to build positive relationships with the most important people in our lives.

Currently the media are giving much attention to what parents should say to their kids about the tragedy at Sandy Hook. Plenty of good tips abound on the subject, but there is no formula for handling a situation like this. The answer really is less specific: it’s not so much about what you say (or don’t say) to your kids; it’s about being present in your child’s life. Consider the words of Dr. Bruce Perry, a leading expert on childhood trauma, about the role of parents and caregivers in building the resiliency of their kids:

“What makes children get better following a traumatic event is connection to other human beings. Human beings who are present, patient, kind and sensitive. They don’t necessarily need to be psychologically insightful. They don’t even need to know anything about trauma. All they need to know is they are right there with a child, trying to be comforting, supportive and encouraging. Those kinds of interactions can be therapeutic and healing in and of themselves.”

With your children and others, are you patient, kind, and sensitive? Comforting, supportive, and encouraging? Are you “present” for the people in the room with you, or are you too busy debating the “how” and “why” of the latest tragedy on social media? If the important people in your life aren’t your top priority, it’s time for a change.

And the time for change is now.

Mental Health Monday – The Parent in the Mirror

It’s often been said that kids should come with how-to manuals that provide step-by-step directions for parents. After all, cars, dishwashers, even coffee makers come with an owner’s manual—why not children? If the stork did deliver such a book with each brand new baby, one chapter would no doubt be devoted to the power of mirror neurons.

This type of brain cell is responsible for copying the behavior of other people. Have you ever wondered why yawning is “contagious”? Or why we tend to unknowingly match our body language when talking to another person? Or why expecting fathers experience sympathy pains? The answer, most likely, lies in these neurons found in the frontal and parietal lobes of the cerebral cortex. Scientists currently believe the primary function of mirror neurons is to help us form meaningful social connections. In short, they help us to be “in sync” with those around us.

The significance of these cells for parents cannot be overstated. Anyone who’s spent any time around young children knows they are like sponges, soaking up practically everything they see and hear. This, of course, can be good or bad—all depending on what exactly your son or daughter is routinely exposed to. Remember the slogan from the ‘80s public service announcement, “Parents who use drugs have children who use drugs”? As it turns out, these words actually apply to any number of behaviors, both positive and negative. “Parents who have anger problems have children who have anger problems” but “Parents who regulate their emotions effectively have children who regulate their emotions effectively” and, most importantly, “Parents who show love unconditionally have children who show love unconditionally.”

As you think back to that ‘80s anti-drug commercial, remember also what the teenage son told his father when confronted about using drugs: “I learned it by watching you!” Show consistently your son or daughter the type of person you want them to be by being that person yourself. Your children’s young, malleable brains will do the rest.

Mental Health Monday - Victim or Survivor?

Webster’s defines the word victim as “one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent.” Given this definition, we are all victims at one time or another. Sometimes we’re the victim of others, sometimes the victim of circumstance, and sometimes the victim of our own self-pity.

It’s natural and healthy to feel sorry for ourselves when bad or undesirable things happen…for a while. This is a normal part of the grieving process, but eventually we need to let go of the “victim card” so that we can begin to heal. This, like many things in life, is a choice. Often times we make our choices based on instinct, and for some the instinctual response is to cling to the “woe is me” response as long as possible. It comes down to telling ourselves “Yes, this bad thing happened; it’s not fair, I don’t like it, but I’ve got to accept it.”

Consider the recent tornadoes that ravaged communities in many states across the Midwest. These storms left a path of destruction and devastation that ruined homes, destroyed schools, and, sadly, ended lives. The people who died in these storms were victims, no doubt about it. Others were injured, bereaved, and traumatized by the tornadoes but they are in all actuality survivors. To survive, again according to Webster's, is "to remain alive or in existence: live on" and "to continue to function or prosper."

What storms have wreaked havoc in your life? The emotional damage you have endured may feel insurmountable, but beginning today stop being a victim by making the choice to live on as a survivor.

Mental Health Monday - Treatment You Can Trust

Deciding to begin work with a therapist can be intimidating. You (or your insurance) will pay for this person to listen to your problems and even your deepest secrets. Hopefully, by sharing about yourself, you’ll get something out of the process that will somehow help you become a better person. Like any profession, there are good therapists and not-so-good therapists; people who really care about helping you and people who only care about helping themselves to your money. Naturally, most tend to fall somewhere in between these two extremes, but most of us would prefer a therapist who is closer to the “really cares” end of the spectrum. As you’re beginning your treatment, here are some questions to ask of your helper:

1)      How will you help me get better?

2)      Why did you decide to become a therapist?

3)      What is your training/education background? Are you licensed?

4)      How do you keep your personal beliefs from impacting your work with clients?

5)      What should I do to get the most out of our work together?

As these questions imply, you can (and should) interview your therapist as if he or she is applying for a job. You’re an important person and deserve a therapist that will treat you as such, so you’re not only listening for the content of the answers but also watching to see how the therapist fields your questions. If the questions appear to be a burden, that should tell you something! Additionally, watch or listen for these potential “red flags” on the part of your therapist:

1)      Chronic watch or clock checking

2)      Overuse of cliche expressions (you should not have to pay someone to tell you “It is what it is”)

3)      Overuse of cliche questions (the therapist should help you identify how something makes you feel not ask you outright)

4)      Talking about his or her personal experiences

5)      Lack of eye contact

This list is not exhaustive of course, but by keeping these things in mind you will be better able to tell if you’ve got a good therapist or perhaps a not-so-good one. For treatment to be successful, you and your therapist will need to build a rapport built on a positive, professional relationship that is above all else grounded in trust. Remember the "Rule of T's": Without trust, treatment is in trouble!

Mental Health Monday - Motivate Thyself!

The decorations are packed and some of the new toys have already been forgotten. The holiday season is officially over, at least until the stores haul the tinsel out again in October. With the holidays fading, many of us are turning our attention to making a fresh start in the New Year. How will we improve ourselves over the coming weeks and months, so that by next New Year’s we’ll be somehow better than we are right now? Maybe the goal is to eat better and exercise more, to think more positively, or to curse less (or maybe to curse more, take your pick!). As long as your goals are in reason, you can accomplish change in your life but it is important to be honest with yourself and to acknowledge what is driving your pursuit for change.

                                                                                               

The problem with New Year’s resolutions is that many people make them because they feel it’s something they should do. For instance, we’re bombard by media messages telling us we need to work out because the calendar says it’s January. The truth is the start of the New Year is a poor incentive to change your life. It may be a convenient time to start working on your goals, but those goals should be something you work toward because you want to, not because you feel you “should” or “have to.”

Psychologists agree people tend to be the most successful when their motivation is intrinsically based, meaning one is working toward a goal because it is personally meaningful, not because one wants to gain external rewards or to avoid punishment. For example, swearing less because you’ll have to put money in a “swear jar” for using foul language is extrinsic motivation; swearing less because it’s become important to you to clean up your language regardless of external consequences is intrinsic motivation. Basing your decision to start work on a New Year’s resolution should be intrinsically based, and you’ll find your motivation by examining your attitude regarding the goal as it is revealed by your thoughts (“I want to lose weight and feel better; I’m ready to start dieting and exercising” is an example of intrinsically rich soil whereas “It’s another year, so I should try to lose weight again” is rooted in a bed of extrinsic rocks—and we all know which will yield the best crops).

The bottom line here is to “know thyself”…know your motivations and potential obstacles. Your efforts to change anything that is within your control will be strengthened by first changing your thinking. If you are beginning work on a New Year’s resolution, now is the easy part. The prospect of pursuing new goals can be an exciting and powerful motivating force, but this “newness” is usually short lived. As the New Year gives way to “just another year,” the work that goes into pursuing goals starts to feel more and more like a chore. This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak, and again it’s your thinking that is critical in overcoming this obstacle. Focus your attention on how you are feeling or how it will feel as you realize your goal. If your motivation is indeed intrinsic, then maintaining your drive is entirely up to you. When next January 1^st arrives, you’ll be a better person than you were the year before, and you’ll have successfully committed to change for all the right reasons.

12 Tips for 2012 (& Beyond)

Some may sound trite, but they’re all time-tested and true. Here are 12 bits of Sound Advice for good mental health in the New Year (and every year).

*Place family first

*Always remember the Golden Rule

*Listen more than you speak

*Be assertive

*Change what you can, learn to accept what you cannot change

*Take responsibility for your actions

*Forgive

*Be courteous

*Have gratitude and show it

*Learn from your experiences

*See life as an adventure

*Let go...let God

 Happy New Year!