Dinner of Dysfunction

“Every year my family and I spend Thanksgiving at my sister’s place, and every year for the last several she and I have ended up fighting. Last year we didn’t even make it through dinner! What can we do to make this Thanksgiving different?”

Like turkey and dressing, for many families the holidays are stuffed with dysfunction. Rather than enjoying a delicious meal together, the day for giving thanks can become a day spent arguing, avoiding, or sitting in awkward silence. The only thing many people end up feeling thankful for is the ride home…but it doesn’t have to be this way. You have options. You can call it good, call a truce, or call it off.

Call it good. This option involves making up your mind and adjusting your attitude. You know you don’t get along with your sister; you haven’t for the last however many years and are highly unlikely to suddenly become best friends. Accept this and move on. You can’t control her any more than she can control you, so stop trying. When you accept her for who she is you are not condoning her personal choices or lifestyle or treatment toward you, but you are releasing your drive to mold her into someone you would like better. Try it and see—you may be surprised to learn how much power there is in letting something go.

Call a truce. Whereas calling it good involves making a personal commitment, calling a truce entails having a conversation with your sister. Note that the point of this conversation isn’t to “hammer things out,” but instead to acknowledge to your sister that although you have your differences it is time to put these issues aside (and leave them aside), for the sake of the family and for your own enjoyment of the holiday. By the way, there’s nothing to lose with this option….if it doesn’t work out due to your sister’s resistance, you can just fall back on option 1 and call it good. Or, if you know you’re not going to be able to pull off calling it good or calling a truce at this point, consider option 3:

Call it off. The holidays are built on tradition, which can slice both ways. There is, of course, much allure in tradition and it is ideal to spend time with your family. But just because you’ve spent the last several Thanksgivings at your sister’s doesn’t necessarily mean you have to do so again this year. Take the year off and spend the time with your own family, and maybe you’ll feel up to going back to her house next Thanksgiving.

Note that this option doesn’t really solve anything, but neither do the first two. The best, healthiest outcome for everyone would involve a rational, assertive discussion of your differences with mutual resolve to work things out—something that is highly doable when both parties are committed to bettering the relationship. If you do not feel ready to do so, I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about what’s holding you back. Maybe it’s time to work toward forgiveness—which is no doubt the best gift you could give yourself this holiday season. More on that later.