Mental Health Monday - Surviving Seasonal Stress

For kids, the weeks leading up to Christmas may seem like an eternity, but for adults there’s rarely enough time to get the decorations up, the cookies baked, the cards mailed, the shopping done—let alone get all gifts wrapped and under the tree. Keep in mind, these activities are meant to be fun and draw families closer together, but the stress that many people experience leading up to the holiday can make a Scrooge out of almost anyone.

There are several factors that can contribute to holiday stress. First, the time crunch: when we try to cram too many activities in the span of the few short weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, it’s no wonder time passes so quickly. Remember the saying “less is more,” and cut some things out of the schedule so you’ll have more time to truly enjoy those holiday traditions and activities that are the most important to you and your family. Plus, you’ll still have time to handle your other responsibilities that don’t stop just because it’s December.

The financial burdens of buying all those presents is another major source of stress around the holidays…and, in some cases, a source of ongoing stress well into the New Year as we work to pay down holiday debt long after the presents have been opened. If this applies to you the solution may not be fun, but it sure is simple: cut your spending. Make a budget for gift buying and stick to it. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on someone’s gifts to show them how much you love them.

The holidays are often depicted in movies, television, and song as “the most wonderful time of the year.” This can certainly be true, but in some situations the holidays are the most painful time of the year…particularly for people dealing with the loss of someone important. For as much joy as the holidays can bring, they can also serve as powerful reminders of what—or who—is missing from our lives. Sometimes the bluer we feel at Christmastime, the guiltier we might feel for not sharing in the seasonal cheer we’re “supposed” to experience during this time of year. But you can’t force happiness any day, including Christmas Day and the days leading up to it. Allow yourself to process the true emotions you’re experiencing and recognize your grief rather than try to suppress it, but don’t do this alone. Confide in a person you trust to help—a friend, a family member, or a therapist.

The holidays can be hard, but Christmas is about celebrating the joy in our world. Here’s hoping that keeping your perspective on the real reason we have Christmas will alleviate your seasonal stress

Mental Health Monday - Don't Just Stand There!

When people have knowledge of something going wrong yet no one takes action to stop it, important questions are raised after the fact. “How could this happen?” “Why didn’t anyone stop it?” “Couldn’t more have been done?” Social psychologists often try to answer these questions by explaining things like “bystander apathy” and “diffusion of responsibility.”

Much of the research involving these theories stems from the tragic case of Kitty Genovese, a 28-year-old woman who was sexually assaulted and ultimately murdered in a densely populated area of Queens, New York. Reports indicated some 38 people heard or witnessed the attack on Genovese, but no one so much as picked up the phone to call the police until 45 minutes into the attack. By that time, Genovese was dead and her attacker and fled. Clearly, psychologists need to study the behaviors related to this tragedy and others like it in order to learn what kept anyone from intervening on the victims’ behalf. In the case of Genovese, it’s understandable no one wanted to become directly involved for fear of themselves being injured, but what harm could come from phoning the police?

After Genovese’s murder in the mid-60’s, researchers Latane and Darley created “emergency” conditions in laboratory settings to see how participants responded to the presence of smoke when they were by themselves, with other participants, or in the presence of a research assistant. The assistant essentially ignored the smoke that began to fill the room where participants were waiting. The participants were most likely to report the smoke when they were alone, significantly less likely to report the smoke when they were with other participants, and even less likely to report the smoke when the assistant was present, as participants apparently followed the cue of the assistant to ignore the smoke. 

From this and other research into the bystander effect, Latane and Darley identified steps that must be taken to enhance an individual’s likeliness of taking action rather than inaction in an emergency situation: the person must notice the events are happening, interpret the situation as an emergency or threat, and take some degree of personal responsibility to intervene. 

The lack of a sense of personal responsibility for someone else’s welfare is a fascinating and frightening phenomenon. A former boss of mine was fond of saying, “Don’t wait for the other guy, BE the other guy.” I remind myself of these words often, because they’re helpful in so many situations. In fact, the phrase is an anti-apathy slogan. Take responsibility and do the right thing because when it comes to bystander apathy, no one wins. Not even the winningest coach in all of college football.

Dinner of Dysfunction

“Every year my family and I spend Thanksgiving at my sister’s place, and every year for the last several she and I have ended up fighting. Last year we didn’t even make it through dinner! What can we do to make this Thanksgiving different?”

Like turkey and dressing, for many families the holidays are stuffed with dysfunction. Rather than enjoying a delicious meal together, the day for giving thanks can become a day spent arguing, avoiding, or sitting in awkward silence. The only thing many people end up feeling thankful for is the ride home…but it doesn’t have to be this way. You have options. You can call it good, call a truce, or call it off.

Call it good. This option involves making up your mind and adjusting your attitude. You know you don’t get along with your sister; you haven’t for the last however many years and are highly unlikely to suddenly become best friends. Accept this and move on. You can’t control her any more than she can control you, so stop trying. When you accept her for who she is you are not condoning her personal choices or lifestyle or treatment toward you, but you are releasing your drive to mold her into someone you would like better. Try it and see—you may be surprised to learn how much power there is in letting something go.

Call a truce. Whereas calling it good involves making a personal commitment, calling a truce entails having a conversation with your sister. Note that the point of this conversation isn’t to “hammer things out,” but instead to acknowledge to your sister that although you have your differences it is time to put these issues aside (and leave them aside), for the sake of the family and for your own enjoyment of the holiday. By the way, there’s nothing to lose with this option….if it doesn’t work out due to your sister’s resistance, you can just fall back on option 1 and call it good. Or, if you know you’re not going to be able to pull off calling it good or calling a truce at this point, consider option 3:

Call it off. The holidays are built on tradition, which can slice both ways. There is, of course, much allure in tradition and it is ideal to spend time with your family. But just because you’ve spent the last several Thanksgivings at your sister’s doesn’t necessarily mean you have to do so again this year. Take the year off and spend the time with your own family, and maybe you’ll feel up to going back to her house next Thanksgiving.

Note that this option doesn’t really solve anything, but neither do the first two. The best, healthiest outcome for everyone would involve a rational, assertive discussion of your differences with mutual resolve to work things out—something that is highly doable when both parties are committed to bettering the relationship. If you do not feel ready to do so, I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about what’s holding you back. Maybe it’s time to work toward forgiveness—which is no doubt the best gift you could give yourself this holiday season. More on that later.