Speak to be Heard

“It seems like our family has become accustomed to yelling. The kids yell, us parents yell to be heard above the kids...it's all getting to be very noisy and headache-inducing. It's not effective communication, and unfortunately it's become a bad habit amongst us all. Do you have any tips to help ease the yelling and get our ear drums back? We all need to be heard, and know when to listen and it's turning into a nightmare!”

For many people, the natural thing to do when someone yells at you is to yell back. Unless the person is a judge or someone else in an extreme position of authority, the automatic reaction is to “fight fire with fire” by meeting or even exceeding the original level of intensity. In such situations it’s easy for things to quickly get out of hand; sometimes, yelling can lead to physical aggression since people can only yell so loud and then feel they must use their hands to express their anger.

The first and most important step for you to break the bad habit of yelling in your household is for you, the parents, to model effective communication. This means resolving to talk at an appropriate volume using a firm voice if necessary when speaking to everyone: your kids, your spouse, even telemarketers! If you’re angry, take a time-out for yourself and implement some relaxation or deep breathing techniques to help yourself calm before trying to communicate. When you yell, your kids or your spouse are likely to respond in kind. If your kids yell, you can calmly and quietly remind them “We don’t yell” or “Yelling is not acceptable in our house anymore.” Tell your kids you want to hear what they have to say, but you’re only going to listen when their style of communication is respectful and appropriate to the situation. Then you should wait to respond any further until their communication is acceptable.

Another way to improve the communication within your family is to schedule it. We sometimes see family meetings depicted on TV shows as formal “June and Ward Cleaver” affairs, but they really are an effective way of talking through important issues. Schedule a time each week to sit down together and talk about what’s going on, and set the expectation that there will be no yelling anytime—especially during the family meeting. Work together to choose a consequence that everyone receives if they don’t follow the ground rules for the meeting (i.e. extra chores, loss of TV privileges). On the other hand, when a family meeting goes well, reward yourselves by doing something enjoyable together afterward such as playing a game or going for ice cream.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.”—Theodore Roosevelt