Mental Health Monday - You Are What You Think

Near my home there’s a storage business that uses its sign to dispense words of wisdom. Recently, after months of advising “Never abandon a friend,” the powers that be changed the sign to read “Be careful what you think.” Now, we cannot necessarily control our thoughts—have you ever thought something and then found yourself wondering “Why would I think that?!” We can, however, decide which thoughts are worth keeping, in a manner of speaking, and which thoughts are better left wherever thoughts go once they’re out of our heads.

The universe is a place of synchronicity. A few days after reading the “Be careful what you think” sign, I was reminded that this advice dates back to the days of Solomon. I was reading Proverbs, as any wannabe advice columnist should read, and came across the following verse:

“Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life”

(4:23, NCV)

Take it from the Good Book, your thoughts create your reality. Happy thoughts make for a happy life, and while it makes sense that a happy life also makes for happy thoughts, the thoughts must come first. But Proverbs says nothing about thinking only happy or nice thoughts; it merely says to be careful what you think. No one can think happy thoughts all the time, nor should they, but Solomon and the storage business sign agree, we should choose carefully those thoughts we wish to “keep.”

It’s worth pointing out that most versions of the Bible translate Proverbs 4:23 differently. A more common translation is “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (NIV). It seems, though, the two interpretations aren’t all that different, when one considers that everything you do (and think) flows from the heart, and everything you think flows back to the heart.

Rule the Pool

“My 7-year-old son is afraid of the water, so I signed him up for swimming lessons to help him conquer his fear. When I told him about the lessons, he had a meltdown and cried that he would drown if I made him go. What should I do?”

You were wise to enroll your son in swimming lessons to begin with, so I’d stay the course and take him to the pool as planned. Sure he’s scared, but how else is he going to get past this fear? Tell him you would like him to give the lessons a try. Who knows--he may end up really enjoying swimming once he gets used to being in the pool. You might take him to a swimming pool before the lessons begin to give him more exposure to the water. Have him start by walking in the shallow end and slowly work his way into deeper water. If he has a “meltdown” during this process, remain calm and coach him that he’s safe and doing great. Have him close his eyes, take some deep breaths, and use visualization—a technique in which an individual replaces anxiety-producing thoughts (i.e. “I’m going to drown!”) with a mental picture of him or herself participating in the feared activity successfully. Your son could imagine himself floating safely in the water, or winning a swim meet. Whatever relaxes him and gets his mind away from his negative, self-defeating thinking.

If your son tries the lessons but then insists that he is too scared, you’ll need to walk the fine line of coaxing him without pushing him into doing something he really doesn’t want to do. If he says he can’t (or won’t) go through with the lessons, thank him for his efforts and tell him you’ll sign him up again next year so he can try, try again.

Mental Health Monday - Therapy Fit for a King

Over the weekend I finally had a chance to see the Academy Award winning movie “The King’s Speech,” the true story of the life-changing experience of Britain’s King George VI with a no-nonsense speech therapist. Although it’s a stammer that brings the king to therapy, the psychological underpinnings and emotional scars which feed the speech defect do not go ignored by the movie; nor does the film downplay the power of the therapeutic relationship as an agent of transformation.

Lionel Logue, the speech therapist, was a far cry from most of the doctors with whom King George (or Bertie, as he was called) had previously worked. In Logue’s work with Bertie, he did a number of things right, therapeutically. For starters, Logue was genuine: he did not “beat around the bush” or waste time with false pretenses—something which many in Logue’s position may have been inclined to do, given the status of his famous client. He was also accepting of Bertie (for the most part), yet he did not let his acceptance of the client prevent him from appropriately pushing Bertie further. Along this line, Logue demonstrated something called “unconditional positive regard,” a term client-centered therapists use to describe the concept of holding individuals in high regard and focusing on their intrinsic worth despite their limitations. Logue was also empathetic, the key to good, effective therapy. He felt his client’s pain and delighted in Bertie’s successes. He allowed himself to experience what the King was experiencing to the fullest extent possible. Therapists with these traits are the “real deal,” and often are quite effective as agents of change in their clients’ lives.

Now Logue had his downfalls, too, and ethical shortcomings (which will not be discussed here so as not to spoil the movie for those who--like me--have fallen behind on their Redbox rentals). If you have not already seen it, do yourself a favor and rent “The King’s Speech” sometime soon. The film is a testament to the powerful ability of therapy to change lives. The next time you’re in the market for a therapist, ask yourself if the person sitting across from you is the “real deal”—genuine, accepting, warm, and empathetic. Find a professional with these qualities because, in therapy, every client deserves to be treated like royalty.

Speak to be Heard

“It seems like our family has become accustomed to yelling. The kids yell, us parents yell to be heard above the kids...it's all getting to be very noisy and headache-inducing. It's not effective communication, and unfortunately it's become a bad habit amongst us all. Do you have any tips to help ease the yelling and get our ear drums back? We all need to be heard, and know when to listen and it's turning into a nightmare!”

For many people, the natural thing to do when someone yells at you is to yell back. Unless the person is a judge or someone else in an extreme position of authority, the automatic reaction is to “fight fire with fire” by meeting or even exceeding the original level of intensity. In such situations it’s easy for things to quickly get out of hand; sometimes, yelling can lead to physical aggression since people can only yell so loud and then feel they must use their hands to express their anger.

The first and most important step for you to break the bad habit of yelling in your household is for you, the parents, to model effective communication. This means resolving to talk at an appropriate volume using a firm voice if necessary when speaking to everyone: your kids, your spouse, even telemarketers! If you’re angry, take a time-out for yourself and implement some relaxation or deep breathing techniques to help yourself calm before trying to communicate. When you yell, your kids or your spouse are likely to respond in kind. If your kids yell, you can calmly and quietly remind them “We don’t yell” or “Yelling is not acceptable in our house anymore.” Tell your kids you want to hear what they have to say, but you’re only going to listen when their style of communication is respectful and appropriate to the situation. Then you should wait to respond any further until their communication is acceptable.

Another way to improve the communication within your family is to schedule it. We sometimes see family meetings depicted on TV shows as formal “June and Ward Cleaver” affairs, but they really are an effective way of talking through important issues. Schedule a time each week to sit down together and talk about what’s going on, and set the expectation that there will be no yelling anytime—especially during the family meeting. Work together to choose a consequence that everyone receives if they don’t follow the ground rules for the meeting (i.e. extra chores, loss of TV privileges). On the other hand, when a family meeting goes well, reward yourselves by doing something enjoyable together afterward such as playing a game or going for ice cream.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.”—Theodore Roosevelt