Mental Health Monday - Styles of Parenting

Children throwing temper tantrums at the store are as common as “everyday low prices.” The next time you’re privy to such a fit, pay close attention to how the parent responds—does the mother or father scream “STOP IT!”; does he or she ignore the fit (much to everyone else’s annoyance); does mom or dad give in to the child for the sake of silence, or does the caregiver keep their cool and respond to the tantrum firmly yet appropriately? These responses, according to developmental psychologists Maccoby & Martin (1983) represent the four basic styles of parenting: authoritarian, uninvolved, permissive, and authoritative.

An authoritarian parent attempts to control a child’s behavior through any means possible—be it physical, social, or emotional. Correspondingly, there is usually little warmth or communication on the parent’s part toward the child beyond the ubiquitous (and unhelpful) “Stop that…quit that…don’t do that!” Research shows the children of authoritarian parents tend to earn lower grades and have lower levels of self-esteem.

Uninvolved parents are physically present but psychologically and emotionally detached. They may care about their kids but they do not appear to care enough to exert any real degree of effort in their parenting. Such an enduring pattern of neglect sets the stage for major problems including antisocial behaviors, impulsivity, and greatly decreased academic achievement.

A permissive parent gives in at the drop of a hat. These are people who would do anything for their children, and while that may be admirable things usually head south when permissive parents confuse “doing anything” to mean doing everything for their children. Not surprisingly, this style of parenting is associated with irresponsible kids who lack independence and ambition.

That leaves authoritative parenting, which all the textbooks point to as the style to emulate. An authoritative parent exerts control by setting firm limits and sticking to them; but, unlike an authoritarian parent, authoritative parents manage to balance firmness with warmth and nurturance. Getting back to the example of a child throwing a fit at the store, an authoritative parent would respond by telling the child his or her behavior is not acceptable and setting a limit: “We do not throw fits. If you don’t stop, we’ll have to leave.” And here’s the clincher: you must follow through with the limit(s) you set. When you threaten a consequence but don’t deliver, you’re being permissive, not authoritative, and the child learns he or she can get away with the behavior. When you stick to the limit you set and enact a consequence, you are sending the message that you actually do mean business.

Research shows authoritative parents have kids with higher degrees of self-esteem, independence, and confidence. These kids tend to earn better grades, demonstrate greater degrees of altruism, and comply with the expectations of their parents and teachers. And it all starts with the parent’s response. Every caregiver has good days and bad days, and many slip into authoritarian or permissive mode from time to time. But be wary of these styles of response and do not let them become your default.

The next time you’re in a store and see a fit, see if you can identify which of the four styles the parent utilizes in response to the tantrum. More importantly, the next time your child is the one screaming bloody murder in aisle four, do your best to keep calm and to respond authoritatively.

Reference:

Maccoby, E.E. & Martin, J.A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent-child interaction. In E.M. Hetherington (Ed.), Handbook of child psychology: Socialization, personality, and social development, Vol. 4 (pp. 1-102). New York: Wiley.