How Does that Make You Feel? (Part I)

“How detrimental is it to keep your feelings to yourself and/or not be able to express your feelings?”

Learning to express one’s feelings effectively is hallmark of maturity, although doing so is not something all adults are able to do consistently. We have to remember that none of us is perfect, and even the most mature person will sometimes let their emotions get the best of them. Most of us probably don’t have to think for very long to identify a time when acting on emotions got us into trouble, and that’s just one reason people learn to stuff, rather than express, their feelings. We also have to consider the role of our cultural messages, which often suggests that it’s best to keep our emotions inside (i.e. “Keep your chin up,” “Don’t let ‘em get you down,” and the infamous phrase we’re told as children: “Don’t cry over spilled milk”). So our feelings sometimes create problems, our culture promotes keeping them inside, and—this isn’t very professional, but true—sometimes feelings suck.

In my work counseling children experiencing anger problems, we often start by focusing on feelings, including how to recognize and handle them. Here are some of the basics I try to communicate:

•  ·         Feelings are “comfortable” or “uncomfortable,” not “good” or “bad.”

•   ·         Even though some feelings are uncomfortable, they cannot hurt you.

•  ·         Feelings can get you in trouble (if you let them).

•  ·         You can’t control your feelings, they come and go. You can control your actions, or what you do about your feelings.

•  ·         Learning to talk about your uncomfortable feelings is a sign you’re growing up.

I’ve found, in many cases, that grown-ups need to hear some of the same basic messages about feelings that children need to hear. There’s nothing very profound about any of the above points, yet it’s amazing how these simple facts are lost upon many adults. Is it any wonder children don’t know how to express their feelings appropriately if their role models don’t know themselves?

Your question implies you’ve already noticed it is detrimental to be a feelings stuffer. Just how detrimental it is to stuff feelings depends on the person; for some perhaps “ignorance is bliss,” but for most of us ignored feelings do not permanently go away. More times than not, they come back with a vengeance. One analogy is that ignoring your feelings is like not paying your bills. You know they’re there, you know you really need to do something about them, but you either don’t care to handle them or you don’t have the resources to do so. Either way, your “bills” don’t go away; in fact the interest adds up and things quickly become compounded.

In the next blog, I’ll give some pointers for those of you interested in tackling your feelings debt.