Good Grief

“I recently lost my mother after a long illness. For the last month I was off work to help care for her and shuttle her from one appointment to the next. Now I feel at a loss—part of me wants to go back to work, and yet part of me doesn’t feel ready. My friend says I need to give myself more time to heal. What do you think?”

Everyone grieves differently. Some people prefer to get back to normal as quickly as possible, although a danger in this strategy is that grief gets ignored and festers. Sadness about the loss of a loved one will not just go away. Your grief may seem to dissipate for a time but, more than likely, it will come back “bigger” than before.

                     

On the other hand, refraining from your activities of daily living (including work) for too long can also be detrimental. If you don’t seek social connections and support during this time you may soon find yourself feeling isolated. In this scenario, bereavement can easily give way to depression.

I’m afraid there’s not an easy answer to your question because there’s really not a “right” time to get back to work after a loved one dies, and there are many other variables to consider. For instance, how much of a financial impact is missing work having on you? What do you have to do to keep yourself occupied while you’re not working? How stressful is your job, and how stressful will it be to go back if work has piled up during your absence?

Striving for balance is important. Go back to work as soon as feasible but don’t overdo it. Do your job as best you can but don’t become so immersed in your work that you "forget" to grieve for your mother. Sigmund Freud once said, “Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.” Freud was right; we need the right amount of both in our lives to function optimally. Whether you return to work tomorrow or next month, keep the love you have for your mother at the forefront: make it a priority to take time out of your day to cherish the memories you have of her and allow yourself to feel your connection to her no matter where you are.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.