Afraid of the Dark

“My niece is 9 and is still afraid of the dark to the point that she'll leave her bed and go sleep with her father or insist that her brother (12) sleep in the same bed as she. This started prior to her parents' separation and divorce. However, it seems to have gotten worse since the divorce and their move to a different state. How can we best address this problem?”

Your niece’s fear of the dark is most likely symptomatic of anxiety and sadness related to her parents’ divorce and moving to an unfamiliar city. In other words, she’s not afraid of the dark because of these events, but she may have developed this fear as a result of the major changes and stressors in her life. On a deeper level, nyctophobia may represent a fear of the unknown or anxiety related to her inability to “see what’s out there,” or to know what the future might hold. Behaviorally, your niece may claim a fear of the dark because she feels less anxious with someone sleeping next to her, and nyctophobia helps her accomplish this goal and lessens her anxiety.

With this in mind, focusing only on her fear of the dark may help change the behavior of her demanding her father or brother sleep with her, but it would ignore the underlying emotional needs that are more than likely feeding this fear. Her dad can buy her a night light and develop a consistent bedtime routine that includes reading her a pleasant story before bed—all these things may help and are worth a try, but they, obviously, will not address what’s really troubling her. If your niece has not been to talk with a counselor or therapist, this would probably be a good time for her to do so. By the age of 9, most kids have the intellectual capacity to talk openly about their feelings, as long as they feel comfortable and are encouraged to do so. You might recommend her father read a book about the effects of divorce on children, such as “Helping Children Cope with Divorce” by Edward Teyber.

Your niece’s anxiety and sadness are normal reactions. For my money, it would be more alarming if she wasn’t having some sort of reaction to essentially having her world turned upside down. The good news is, there are many resources available to help her and her family through this time of transition. As her aunt, you can be one of those resources. Call her every few days and ask how she’s doing. You don’t have to have training as a counselor to talk with someone about their problems. Although it may be uncomfortable at first for your niece to talk about her feelings, this is ultimately what needs to happen--both with a mental health professional and the people in her life who very much care about her well-being.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

Mental Health Monday - Styles of Parenting

Children throwing temper tantrums at the store are as common as “everyday low prices.” The next time you’re privy to such a fit, pay close attention to how the parent responds—does the mother or father scream “STOP IT!”; does he or she ignore the fit (much to everyone else’s annoyance); does mom or dad give in to the child for the sake of silence, or does the caregiver keep their cool and respond to the tantrum firmly yet appropriately? These responses, according to developmental psychologists Maccoby & Martin (1983) represent the four basic styles of parenting: authoritarian, uninvolved, permissive, and authoritative.

An authoritarian parent attempts to control a child’s behavior through any means possible—be it physical, social, or emotional. Correspondingly, there is usually little warmth or communication on the parent’s part toward the child beyond the ubiquitous (and unhelpful) “Stop that…quit that…don’t do that!” Research shows the children of authoritarian parents tend to earn lower grades and have lower levels of self-esteem.

Uninvolved parents are physically present but psychologically and emotionally detached. They may care about their kids but they do not appear to care enough to exert any real degree of effort in their parenting. Such an enduring pattern of neglect sets the stage for major problems including antisocial behaviors, impulsivity, and greatly decreased academic achievement.

A permissive parent gives in at the drop of a hat. These are people who would do anything for their children, and while that may be admirable things usually head south when permissive parents confuse “doing anything” to mean doing everything for their children. Not surprisingly, this style of parenting is associated with irresponsible kids who lack independence and ambition.

That leaves authoritative parenting, which all the textbooks point to as the style to emulate. An authoritative parent exerts control by setting firm limits and sticking to them; but, unlike an authoritarian parent, authoritative parents manage to balance firmness with warmth and nurturance. Getting back to the example of a child throwing a fit at the store, an authoritative parent would respond by telling the child his or her behavior is not acceptable and setting a limit: “We do not throw fits. If you don’t stop, we’ll have to leave.” And here’s the clincher: you must follow through with the limit(s) you set. When you threaten a consequence but don’t deliver, you’re being permissive, not authoritative, and the child learns he or she can get away with the behavior. When you stick to the limit you set and enact a consequence, you are sending the message that you actually do mean business.

Research shows authoritative parents have kids with higher degrees of self-esteem, independence, and confidence. These kids tend to earn better grades, demonstrate greater degrees of altruism, and comply with the expectations of their parents and teachers. And it all starts with the parent’s response. Every caregiver has good days and bad days, and many slip into authoritarian or permissive mode from time to time. But be wary of these styles of response and do not let them become your default.

The next time you’re in a store and see a fit, see if you can identify which of the four styles the parent utilizes in response to the tantrum. More importantly, the next time your child is the one screaming bloody murder in aisle four, do your best to keep calm and to respond authoritatively.

Reference:

Maccoby, E.E. & Martin, J.A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent-child interaction. In E.M. Hetherington (Ed.), Handbook of child psychology: Socialization, personality, and social development, Vol. 4 (pp. 1-102). New York: Wiley.

How Does that Make You Feel? (Part II)

The question, “How does that make you feel?” has become a cliché among psychotherapists. I once had a supervisor who prohibited her students from asking that question of clients because, in her opinion, it is the job of the therapist to reflect back to clients how they are feeling. Often, hearing something to the effect of “That must have made you feel very discouraged” can help an individual process his or her emotions more effectively.  In other words, clients don’t always know how something made them feel; it’s the job of the mental health professional to help them understand their emotional reactions.

Therapy is usually a great means of gaining better awareness of your emotions as well as how to cope with strong feelings. Frequently, therapists encourage clients to keep a feelings diary or to journal as a means of venting safely. For many people, writing about an emotional event is particularly useful as it may engage parts of the brain that assist in processing the circumstances and the emotional aftermath.  Talking about how you feel can also be very helpful—whether it’s to your therapist, friend, dog, or self. Spending some time digesting what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way is the antidote to “emotion stuffing.”   

Another thing to keep in mind is the importance of remaining objective about your emotions. By this I mean learning to observe what you’re feeling without passing judgment on those feelings. If you feel angry about something, acknowledge your anger without “beating yourself up” for feeling that way or telling yourself you shouldn’t feel as you do. On the other hand, if you notice that you’re consistently experiencing the same emotional response (i.e. easily angered), simply note that pattern without criticizing yourself and make plans to do something about it—preferably with the help of a licensed professional if warranted.  

As Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Make the examination of your life a priority, including your emotional responses and overall well-being. Routinely ask yourself the all-important questions of “How does that make me feel…and what do I need to do about my feelings?” Keep in mind, simply ignoring them is not a viable option. 

How Does that Make You Feel? (Part I)

“How detrimental is it to keep your feelings to yourself and/or not be able to express your feelings?”

Learning to express one’s feelings effectively is hallmark of maturity, although doing so is not something all adults are able to do consistently. We have to remember that none of us is perfect, and even the most mature person will sometimes let their emotions get the best of them. Most of us probably don’t have to think for very long to identify a time when acting on emotions got us into trouble, and that’s just one reason people learn to stuff, rather than express, their feelings. We also have to consider the role of our cultural messages, which often suggests that it’s best to keep our emotions inside (i.e. “Keep your chin up,” “Don’t let ‘em get you down,” and the infamous phrase we’re told as children: “Don’t cry over spilled milk”). So our feelings sometimes create problems, our culture promotes keeping them inside, and—this isn’t very professional, but true—sometimes feelings suck.

In my work counseling children experiencing anger problems, we often start by focusing on feelings, including how to recognize and handle them. Here are some of the basics I try to communicate:

•  ·         Feelings are “comfortable” or “uncomfortable,” not “good” or “bad.”

•   ·         Even though some feelings are uncomfortable, they cannot hurt you.

•  ·         Feelings can get you in trouble (if you let them).

•  ·         You can’t control your feelings, they come and go. You can control your actions, or what you do about your feelings.

•  ·         Learning to talk about your uncomfortable feelings is a sign you’re growing up.

I’ve found, in many cases, that grown-ups need to hear some of the same basic messages about feelings that children need to hear. There’s nothing very profound about any of the above points, yet it’s amazing how these simple facts are lost upon many adults. Is it any wonder children don’t know how to express their feelings appropriately if their role models don’t know themselves?

Your question implies you’ve already noticed it is detrimental to be a feelings stuffer. Just how detrimental it is to stuff feelings depends on the person; for some perhaps “ignorance is bliss,” but for most of us ignored feelings do not permanently go away. More times than not, they come back with a vengeance. One analogy is that ignoring your feelings is like not paying your bills. You know they’re there, you know you really need to do something about them, but you either don’t care to handle them or you don’t have the resources to do so. Either way, your “bills” don’t go away; in fact the interest adds up and things quickly become compounded.

In the next blog, I’ll give some pointers for those of you interested in tackling your feelings debt.

Mental Health Monday - Their Own Worst Enemies

In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a hunter known for his prowess and all-around “hunkiness.” His nemesis, aptly named Nemesis, lured him to a pool of water where Narcissus saw his reflection and it was love at first sight. Enticed by the image of himself, Narcissus was unable to leave the pool and eventually he died; according to some versions of the tale, he committed suicide. Many people are familiar with this story, and even though it is considered mythology, the tale of Narcissus is true-to-life even today. Consider the numerous celebrities and politicians who have ended their careers, and in some cases their relationships, out of extreme pride and vanity. It seems that texting, sexting, and videotape have replaced the reflective pool as the primary source of downfalls for some modern day Narcissuses, including the highly publicized scandals of Tiger Woods, Brett Favre, John Edwards and Anthony Weiner.

Sure, these are examples of men behaving badly and, sorry to say, plenty of men who lack the notoriety of the aforementioned celebrities involved in sex scandals of their own. But what drives these bad behaviors? Why has texting a picture of one’s manhood become an appropriate means of interaction, in the minds of some? Psychologists have studied narcissism in relation to sexual behavior since the late 19^th century, when Havelock Ellis described excessive masturbation as narcissistic because he conceived the practice as indicative of self-absorption. A few years later, Freud popularized the term in a paper he called “On Narcissism.” Today, narcissism is considered a diagnosable personality disorder. Symptoms include adverse reactions to criticism, taking advantage or “walking all over” others to accomplish personal goals, excessive feelings of self-importance, boasting about achievements, and a craving for almost constant positive attention. Additionally, someone who is truly narcissistic will have little regard for the well-being of others. Their attention is often turned inward, as they may be obsessed with themselves and their own goals.

The causes of narcissistic personality disorder are unknown, although in keeping with the disorder’s Freudian roots, it is believed to originate in childhood as the result of problematic parent-child interactions. Psychotherapy can help an individual overcome his or her narcissistic tendencies, but keep in mind that someone with this disorder is fairly unlikely to pursue treatment given their disdain for criticism, and they may very well interpret even the gentlest of feedback from a therapist as highly critical.

Woods, Favre, Edwards, and Weiner may or may not have narcissistic personality disorder, but it is clear these men have all paid a high price for their selfish actions. It doesn’t take psychic power to know the pattern will be repeated by others, both in and out of the national spotlight. Pride and power are a dangerous combination, and they are sure to lead plenty more to their own demise. The thing is, these are people so caught up in themselves that many think they can get away with bad behavior and not pay a penalty. The irony is, they are their own worst nemeses.

“A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” 

(Galatians 6:7-8)

A Handful of Embarrassment

“A few days ago I accidentally walked in on my son pleasuring himself to one of my ‘Victoria’s Secret’ catalogs. I apologized and exited quickly. Now things are awkward between us and I don’t know what to say to him. Also, I’m concerned because he’s only 10—isn’t that too young?”

As much as you might dread it, it sounds like it’s time to have the obligatory rite-of-passage talk about the “birds and the bees” with your son. Statistically, he may be a bit young for masturbation since most boys begin to do so with the surge of testosterone that accompanies puberty, but your boy may be an “early bloomer,” or he may just be curious, or both. Either way, it’s probably best to break the awkwardness of the situation by taking this opportunity to talk with your son openly about sex.

You could tell your son that his self-exploration is natural and nothing to be ashamed of (if that is what you believe). As the joke goes, approximately 95% of males masturbate and the other five percent lie about it! This would also be a good time to set some ground rules, such as restricting the behavior to his room with the door closed or while he’s in the shower. You might ask him to be sure to clean up after himself and promise to knock before entering his room from now on.

Ask your son what questions he has about sex. He may be too embarrassed to ask at this point, but at least you will have laid some important ground work by showing him you’re approachable about the topic and willing to field his questions without “wigging out.” On the other hand, your son may go ahead and ask you what he wants to know. The most important aspect is for you to model that he can ask you about sex without being criticized or reprimanded for his natural curiosity.

Shopping, Spending, Self-Worth & Stuffitus

“My wife shops A LOT. Not only is it harmful to our budget but she buys things we don't really need. How can I help her with her shopping addiction?”

If you haven’t noticed, we live in a culture that worships stuff. Anyone who turns on the radio or TV, checks their email, reads a magazine or even drives down the road is practically bombarded with advertisements; almost all of which are designed to make us want more and to want it bad enough that we’re willing to part with some of our hard earned money (even if we haven’t even earned it yet!). We have become a “Burger King culture,” a populous that very much prescribes to the notion we can indeed have it our way, regardless of our financial circumstances.

I’m afraid to say discontentment is becoming ingrained in the minds of many, many people because, unfortunately, Madison Avenue knows people who are happy with what they have are a lot harder sells. The bottom line is your wife may or may not truly having a shopping addiction; she may or may not simply be succumbing to the pressures of advertising messages that she can find happiness in a store. Either way, her shopping habits are hurting your bottom line and, I would imagine, your marriage. Therefore, it’s time to have a serious heart-to-heart with her about the ramifications of her spending. Approach this conversation with an attitude of concern and care; chastising her (although a natural response) is not going to help. Express to her that you are concerned by her out-of-control spending and that you would like to help her get to the root of why she feels the need to overindulge at the store.

In my experience working with people who have had issues overspending, decreased feelings of self-worth have almost always played a role. Like an overeater or an alcoholic, the behavior is often an individual’s attempt to meet an unmet need or to fill an emotional void. Compulsive shopping may be a person’s best hope of buying happiness (from his/her point of view). Obviously this is an illusion—the person may feel better in the short-term, but feelings of guilt are usually quick to follow, which may lead to still more feelings of low self-worth. One can see how this scenario easily becomes a vicious circle.

Suggest to your wife that she see a counselor for help uncovering and resolving the issues that drive her spending. You could also offer to participate in marriage counseling. I don’t know if problems in the marriage account for her spending (and I’m not suggesting that they do), but couples counseling would be a great way to show her you really are in this together and that she can count on you for support and understanding. Finally, I would recommend signing up for a financial planning course together to help get your budget back on track. Dave Ramsey’s “Financial Peace University” is one popular and well-respected program routinely offered by churches at low or no cost that may further help your wife beat her "stuffitus."

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

Mental Health Monday - "You are Your Solution"

In the new movie Bridesmaids, Kristen Wiig plays Annie, a single, down-on-her-luck, thirty-something who suffers a series of setbacks in her career, love life, and relationship with her best friend. As the movie progresses, Annie clearly feels sorrier and sorrier for herself. She becomes increasingly mopey, to the point which one of her fellow bridesmaids confronts her, saying (among other things): “I don't associate with people who blame the world for their problems. You are your problem. You are also your solution.”

Throughout much of the movie, Annie exhibits what psychologists call an external locus of control. People with this disposition are often passive; from their perspective, things happen to them and they believe they have little (if any) ability to alter their circumstances. Whether the situation they find themselves in is good or bad, an individual with an external locus of control will believe luck, fate, God, or the universe brought their fortune or misfortune to them. Note that this style of attribution can easily create feelings of helplessness, which may lead to depression.

The alternative is an internal locus of control, wherein people recognize that they do make their reality…to varying degrees. True, everyone has things that are beyond their control happen to them, but everyone also has the ability to choose how they will respond to the obstacles they face in life. When stuff hits the fan, it's okay and perfectly natural to give yourself some “mope time,” but a little goes a long way. As Annie’s friend tells her in Bridesmaids, you are your solution. In other words, take personal responsibility for picking yourself up and doing whatever you can to move forward. Or, sit passively blaming your problems on the stock market or a political party or the price of rice in China. Just don’t hold your breath while you wait on the world to change.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Niebuhr