The Stages of Change

“My best friend has been talking to me constantly about her husband and everything that he does wrong. I’ve suggested counseling, but she refuses to take my advice. I'm so tired of hearing about it that I don't even want to go out with her anymore. What do I do?”

You were wise to suggest counseling for your friend and I would advise that you keep coming back to this as your recommendation of choice. Your friend may not be up for talking with a therapist about her troubled marriage just yet, but that very well could change if she and her husband continue to struggle.

Clinical and counseling psychologists often assess clients’ readiness for change utilizing a model of five stages of change: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Precontemplation means the individual is unaware a problem exists and, thus, lacks the insight that change is even needed. Your friend is probably in the contemplation stage: she knows there’s a problem, she’s thinking about how to go about creating the change needed to improve the problem, yet she’s not prepared to take any action (other than talking to you about it). This stage is a bit like sticking your toe in a pool to test the water--there’s curiosity about what it feels like in the pool, but you’re not quite ready to dive in.

For now, your friend seems to want to use you as a sounding board rather than a diving board; your role is to listen and sympathize with her plight but remain otherwise detached from the situation. Believe me, as a therapist I know how trying this can be! Couple this frustration with the fact that you’re not a therapist but a friend and it’s understandable that you don’t want to go out with her anymore. Be patient and remind yourself it’s not your job to “fix” this marriage. Listen for a while, keep reminding her you really feel she should seek counseling, and then politely but assertively tell her you would like to talk about something else. If she’s not willing to change the subject, you might consider staying away from her until she is ready for change, period.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.