Mental Health Monday - Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

Any therapist worth his or her salt will tell you how important communication is in preventing or resolving discord within relationships, whether it’s a troubled romantic relationship, a faltering friendship, a disgruntled co-worker, or a grumpy next door neighbor. “Talk to him,” we’re told, or “Tell her how you feel.” This is indeed sound advice, but how do you actually go about communicating successfully with another person? What does this actually look like?

There are many techniques to help ensure communication between two people is effective. Today I’ll focus on what I consider to be the cornerstone of communication: assertiveness. Consider the three primary ways you can choose to talk with someone: passively (like a wimp), aggressively (like a jerk), or assertively. Of course, there’s also the well-known and often used “passive-aggressive” approach, which can (and will) be a future blog entry of its own!

Communicating assertively is to communicate with confidence. Speak in a straightforward and neutral manner. Nonverbal behaviors are important, so work to keep the tone of your voice pleasant yet firm. Overall, you are sending the message that you mean business and you expect to see results as a result of your conversation. As for the content, stick to the following basic outline:

Step 1) Say what’s bugging you. Begin by stating the problem factually. Think of yourself as an unbiased reporter and just reports the facts.

Step 2) Say how it’s impacting you. This is the part your therapist (or advice blogger) is quick to champion: “Tell her how you feel.” That’s just what you do in this step, but stay focused and keep it simple.

Step 3) Say what you expect to change. Again, be concise and specific; don’t beat around the bush.

Step 4) Say what will happen if the change doesn’t happen. This may feel like an ultimatum and it may even be an ultimatum, but don’t skip this last step. Structure your demand (or "expectation," if you prefer) as an “If…then” statement.

Example: You want to ask your boss for a raise.

Passive approach: “I’ve been thinking about my work here and I really like it here but you have, you know, never increased my hourly wage once in almost ten years. If you don’t mind my asking, and if there’s any money in the budget for it, I’d really like a rais—no? Okay, well thanks for listening…”

Aggressive approach: “Give me a &^%&%%% raise NOW!” (An extreme example, I know!)

Assertive approach: Step 1) “I’ve worked here for almost ten years now without a raise. In that time I’ve proven myself as a dedicated employee and you’ve given me increased responsibility.” Step 2) “I can no longer afford to work here at this wage, and I feel disappointed and even hurt personally that you don’t seem to value my work.” Step 3) “I am respectfully requesting a 6% increase beginning next pay period." Step 4) “If you will not comply with this request and grant me a raise, then I will have to begin searching for work elsewhere.”

There are a few things to keep in mind with this technique. First, it’s not magic and may not work exactly as you plan or hope, but it will get the point across that you’re looking for real change. Second, be prepared to follow through with your demand (step 4). Lack of follow through may indicate to the other party that you’re “all talk,” which would defeat the purpose of assertive communication. So be realistic; think things through carefully before having the conversation and practice in the mirror or with someone you trust. Consistently say what you mean and mean what you say and people will take notice.