Jealous Much?

“My younger sister is getting married soon. She has a wonderful fiancée and a great job; they are moving in to a nice house and have new cars. It seems my parents have always liked her more and she's been getting tons of attention lately as well. I love my sister, but I feel envious to a point that I get angry around her. How can I get over my jealousy and get on with my own life?”

Author Gore Vidal once wrote “Every time a friend succeeds, a little part of me dies.” This sentiment may not be very nice, but I think most people would agree there’s a good deal of truth behind it. Often envy has little to do with actually resenting the person who is succeeding and everything to do with our perceptions and attitudes about our own lives.

For example, consider hearing on the news that your neighbor, a person you barely spoke with other than to say hello, won a multi-million dollar lottery. Most people would have at least a pang of jealousy (if not clinical levels of depression!) upon hearing the news of the neighbor’s good fortune. Keep in mind, jealousy doesn’t mean you resent the person, but you do resent what the person has. In this instance, most people wouldn’t feel jealous of a neighbor winning the lottery if they were already themselves filthy rich. My sense is that we are becoming more jealous as a culture as we are bombarded daily by advertising campaigns designed to make us want more and to want it now. Seeing someone with something we want is likely to inspire envy—at least until we learn to exchange our attitude for gratitude.

Now, in the case of the jealousy you feel toward your sister’s fiancé, job, house, and cars, there is an added layer of complexity, because you and your sister have a history together (unlike the example above of a neighbor you barely know). Your envy could be based upon a longstanding tradition of sibling rivalry, perhaps rooted in years of believing she was a “golden child” who frequently got more of everything from your parents, including attention and even love. I don’t know your history, so I can’t say if this perception is based in reality or not.

The good news is, your family dynamics are actually neither here nor there regarding your jealousy; the even better news is you have already indicated that you understand moving past the jealousy you feel about your sister’s circumstances is your responsibility. You can get on with your own life by focusing on your own life, not your sister’s. Sometimes we get so hung up on what other people have that we lose sight of (and appreciation for) what we do have. Start and end each day by giving thanks for something positive in your life, whether it’s thanks to God or thanks to no one in particular; thanks for your car or thanks for another day of life, build your world around blessings instead of wants.

Dream Interpretation 101 - Loss of Teeth

“Do you have any idea why I keep dreaming about losing my teeth?”

Sigmund Freud said dreams are comprised primarily of two types of imagery: manifest and latent content. Manifest content refers to the images, thoughts, and feelings that we experience readily within a dream and can easily remember after waking. The latent content is what interested Freud the most; it refers to the hidden or symbolic meaning that lies hidden beneath the manifest. This is all psychoanalytic talk to say that when you dream about losing your teeth, it probably has nothing to do with concerns about dental hygiene. To find out what your dream might really mean, you have to dig deeper.

You can start by asking yourself what teeth mean (or represent) to you. In general, teeth are instrumental to our livelihood because they allow us to chew the food we need to consume in order to survive. With this in mind, perhaps your dream is indicating that you have some degree of anxiety about your ability provide for yourself; to keep yourself sustained, so to speak. Another interpretation could revolve around the role of teeth as a representation of physical attractiveness, health, and even success. In our culture, a nice smile with straight, sparkling teeth is pretty much synonymous with success. Therefore, a dream about losing teeth might also symbolically represent concerns about your inability to “keep up appearances”—not necessarily physical appearance, either, but your overall ability to influence and control how people perceive you.

Taken together, these two interpretations (inability to provide for oneself and concerns about public perception) often point to a dream about losing one’s teeth as symbolic of anxiety about money and personal finances. If you’re going through a tough time right now financially I’d say this is your answer. If that doesn’t seem to make sense, search for other sources of stress about keeping yourself well and/or maintaining your reputation. Examining your life in this manner requires stepping back and looking at the “big picture”—a picture that is often lost upon our waking selves yet so very clear to the subconscious.

Moving On

“My first grade son’s best friend is moving across town, which means he’ll be going to a different school next year. When my son found out, he was absolutely crushed. What can I do to help him through this?”

You can, of course, tell your son that his friend is only moving across town; not across the country or even the state. He’ll still be able to see his friend as long as you and his friend’s parents agree to arrange play dates. These play dates would be advisable throughout the summer to help both kids through the transition. Then, once school starts, they can continue to see each other periodically but you should also encourage your son to make new friends with other children. This will more than likely happen naturally, but you could be proactive by asking your son if he would like to invite a new friend to your home.

Make sure your son knows it’s perfectly okay for him to feel sad about his friend moving away, and that sharing his emotions with others, including crying, is an acceptable means of expression; “better out than in,” as the saying goes. As adults we know your son and his friend will eventually grow apart, maybe sooner rather than later. Loss is an inevitable fact of life, and the loss of a best grade school friend to a cross town move is a great opportunity for your son to learn how to grieve in a healthy, helpful manner.

An alternative response along the lines of “Boys don’t cry” would only work to reinforce the social stereotype that men need to be strong and conceal their emotions. Then, when your son faces loss again later in life, how might he respond? His friend’s move across town may be “no biggie” in the grand scheme of things, but the manner in which you help him cope with his loss now can have a major impact on the man your son someday becomes.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

Mental Health Monday - "The Hurried Child"

Kids these days…one moment they’re in diapers just learning to crawl, then, in what seems the blink of an eye, they’re in school, soccer, pee wee, touch football, dance, Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, marching band, and so much more. Time flies with a schedule as jam-packed as the average American kid’s. Is it any wonder they grow up so fast?

School is obviously a positive force in a child’s development, and a few carefully chosen extra-curricular activities are also important for helping kids discover their interests and build social skills. On the one hand, we as adults don’t want our kids spending all of their free time as couch potatoes, watching T.V. and playing video games. On the other hand, some developmental psychologists argue, the opposite end of the activity-level spectrum is also unhealthy: piling too much on a child’s plate can (in a sense) end up robbing them of their childhood.

In his book “The Hurried Child: Growing up Too Fast Too Soon” (2001: Perseus Publishing), developmental theorist David Elkind advocated for a “less is more” approach, particularly with pre-school and younger school-age children. He said children’s lives are way too organized, and too jam-packed, leaving them with not enough time to play, imagine, and follow their own interests. Schedules and supervision have, in Western culture, replaced spontaneity and freedom.

Take a good look at your child’s schedule. Is it go, go, go? Does your child seem overloaded, burned out, or rushed? Has sitting down together to enjoy a meal at your house become the exception rather than the norm? Then it’s time to re-prioritize. Talk with your child about which activities are favorites and which can be cut. Remember, you’re the adult and you have the power of veto! Consider limiting your young kids to one extra-curricular at a time. This doesn’t mean your child needs more time sitting on the couch staring blankly at Cartoon Network. It does mean, as Elkind suggested, that kids need more time to play, explore, and to just be kids.

The Stages of Change

“My best friend has been talking to me constantly about her husband and everything that he does wrong. I’ve suggested counseling, but she refuses to take my advice. I'm so tired of hearing about it that I don't even want to go out with her anymore. What do I do?”

You were wise to suggest counseling for your friend and I would advise that you keep coming back to this as your recommendation of choice. Your friend may not be up for talking with a therapist about her troubled marriage just yet, but that very well could change if she and her husband continue to struggle.

Clinical and counseling psychologists often assess clients’ readiness for change utilizing a model of five stages of change: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Precontemplation means the individual is unaware a problem exists and, thus, lacks the insight that change is even needed. Your friend is probably in the contemplation stage: she knows there’s a problem, she’s thinking about how to go about creating the change needed to improve the problem, yet she’s not prepared to take any action (other than talking to you about it). This stage is a bit like sticking your toe in a pool to test the water--there’s curiosity about what it feels like in the pool, but you’re not quite ready to dive in.

For now, your friend seems to want to use you as a sounding board rather than a diving board; your role is to listen and sympathize with her plight but remain otherwise detached from the situation. Believe me, as a therapist I know how trying this can be! Couple this frustration with the fact that you’re not a therapist but a friend and it’s understandable that you don’t want to go out with her anymore. Be patient and remind yourself it’s not your job to “fix” this marriage. Listen for a while, keep reminding her you really feel she should seek counseling, and then politely but assertively tell her you would like to talk about something else. If she’s not willing to change the subject, you might consider staying away from her until she is ready for change, period.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

Mental Health Monday - Go with the Flow

What comes naturally to you? Is it drawing? Painting? Sewing? Gardening? Writing? What activity challenges you, yet gives you a sense of satisfaction because you’re able to meet that challenge with an optimal level of skill? Flow, a psychological phenomenon that describes an almost Zen-like state of focus, occurs at the confluence of challenge and skill.

Flow is a positive psychology concept from noted Claremont Graduate University professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (MEE-hy CHEEK-sent-mə-HY-ee). Flow is important to the field of positive psychology because within it is a key to happiness: human beings were created not for inactivity, but rather for productivity. In the state of flow, senses of time, ego, and certainly anxiety slip away, perhaps even to the point that you become so intertwined in the activity at hand that you are (to a certain extent) what you are doing. Therefore, you may be surprised when you realize what you thought was 30 minutes spent on the activity was actually closer to three hours.

Suffice it to say, flow will not happen while you’re watching TV, talking with friends, surfing the Internet, or even taking a walk. All of these activities may be enjoyable, but for most people they’re not challenging and do not involve much skill. Too much challenge and most people will get frustrated and give up; too little challenge and most people will get bored and move on. The trick is to find what challenges you at just the right level. The happy median will be the perfect balance for your current skill level; more than likely, the activities that give you flow will draw upon your natural abilities and interests.

And so a writer must write as a sewer must sew. Life is short; spend it wisely. Find the time to do what you are. Go with the flow.

The High Road Less Traveled

“Do you have any suggestions for the best way to handle a snarky co-worker?”

Yes. The high road is the road less traveled, but you just can’t go wrong on it.

I realize this piece of "sound advice" may actually sound a bit clichéd. Personally, I don’t mind clichés when they are the absolute truth, and I can think of no better recommendation to give on how to handle someone who is chronically unpleasant. If he or she wasn’t a co-worker, I would imagine you’d never subject yourself to this “snarky” individual’s company. That’s the thing about work: many of us don’t get to choose our co-workers, and when “duty calls” it can be difficult (if not impossible) to simply avoid those we’d rather not be around.

So your options are to fight snarky with snarky (tempting isn’t it?), or to take to heart the words of the supreme counselor, Jesus, who essentially said in the Sermon on the Mount, “Enough of this eye for an eye stuff. If somebody slaps you on the cheek, turn and let them slap your other cheek, too.” When you read this entire passage (Matthew 5:38-42), you’ll see that Jesus isn’t suggesting you merely ignore your co-worker’s snarkiness, but that you respond instead in…ready for this?...love. Here’s what else he said:

“If someone makes you go one mile, walk instead for two.”

(Jesus didn’t say to just ignore or refuse the demand to walk for a mile…)

“If someone takes your tunic, give your cloak as well.”

(He didn’t say just give ‘em what they want so they'll go away... He said go above and beyond. In other words, go the high road).

Countercultural advice, don’t you think? This is why the high road is less traveled—its direction tends to run opposite of conventional thinking. It certainly requires that you set your ego aside, but if you're able (willing) to do that so much the better. It’s your bruised and battered, vengeful ego that wants to strike back. And retaliating may feel good in the short-term, but ultimately wouldn’t it make things that much worse between you and the snarky one?

“Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle,” a quote by T.H. Thompson and John Watson, applies here as well. Perhaps there’s a reason this person has a bad attitude—financial problems, relationship problems, doesn’t like the job, an unfortunate personality—who knows! The point is not to let his or her unpleasantness infect you like a virus, which you in turn spread to others around you, helping to perpetuate the negativity.

Happily, the reverse can also happen: when others see you on the high road, you may begin to get some company up there. Maybe the snarky coworker will join you, too—or maybe not—but in time you could even develop some rapport with this individual. Probably not enough to become friends, mind you, but enough for your constructive feedback along the lines of, “You know you might want to work on your attitude…” to actually mean something to your co-worker. Granted, this is a long shot, but you may be amazed where the high road will take you.

Regardless of your co-worker’s response, here's the best part: you can feel at peace knowing that you’re handling a difficult person as best as possible: appropriately, responsibly, and with integrity.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.