“My son is in the fourth grade. Lately he’s been coming home from school upset because some older boys have been teasing him and giving him a hard time by calling him nasty names. I told him to tell his teacher about their bullying but he doesn’t want to do that. What else should I tell him to do?”
If your son won’t tell his teacher about the teasing he’s enduring at school, then you should. It’s not that the teacher should be expected to babysit your son, but he or she should be aware of what’s going on and keep an eye on everyone when your son is around these other kids.
As for what your son can do, I would tell him to ignore the bullies as much as possible (unless they are threatening to harm him physically, in which case he should definitely tell a nearby adult). No doubt their words to your son are unpleasant and hurt his feelings, but engaging the bullies by fighting with them or hurling insults back only serves to give them what they want—the satisfaction of seeing that they are “getting" to your son. Most responses other than ignoring bullies or telling an adult only serve to reinforce the bullies’ behavior, making them that much more likely to continue picking on their target.
For ignoring to work, your son is going to have to be consistent. Bullies, like most people, don’t appreciate it when their efforts go unnoticed. Forewarn your son that the teasing may actually intensify--at least initially-- after the bullies see he’s no longer responding to them like they want. However, when they see he’s serious about blowing them off, they should get bored and move on. If they’re still after your son in a couple weeks, call the school and ask for a meeting with the principal or dean of students to address your concerns. That individual should agree to monitor the suspected bullies and get their parents involved if necessary.
Bullies are as much a part of childhood as loose teeth. For better or worse, learning how to handle them appropriately is an important rite of passage. Equip your son with a strategy to ignore the bullies, and in the meantime do your parental duty by letting the teacher and school administrators know what’s going on.
Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.
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