There's More to Time Outs Than "Go to Your Room!"

“Lately I've been having issues with my almost 2-year-old son being aggressive towards me and his dad. He hits me and pushes me. He doesn't see behavior like that in our household, and doesn't really play with a lot of other kids yet so I don't know where he's getting it. What is the best way for me to react? I've been pretend crying LOL.”

Points for creativity on the pretend crying technique! However, this response may do more harm than good in that it may give your son at least a taste of the reaction he’s after: he wants your attention, and he probably doesn’t mind that he’s getting it by “pushing your buttons.” The appropriate parental response in this situation is not to simply ignore his behavior. When he behaves aggressively, a time out is warranted.

Behavioral psychologists classify time outs as “negative punishment” because a child placed in time out is being removed from the stimulus that was reinforcing his or her behavior. Allow me to translate: time outs are a form of punishment because your son, while in time out, will not receive the attention he was previously getting (or wanting) for the way he was acting. Many parents think sending the child to his or her room is sufficient, but an effective time out looks much different than this. “Go to your room!” may give the parent a time out from the kid, but most kids get to enjoy playing with toys or even watching T.V. in their rooms. Wrong answer! Here’s what to do instead:

There’s no need to yell, but firmly say “We don’t hit” (or push or whatever the “naughty” behavior is) and walk your son to the designated time out spot. Ideally, this will be a chair facing a bare wall.

Without saying anything else for the duration of the time-out, set your son on the chair watch the clock. You don’t need to have a timer for him to watch; keeping track of the time is your responsibility. Stand near him the entire time he’s on the chair but do not give in to any efforts on his part to engage you—pretend you are a guard outside Buckingham Palace if you have to.

If he gets off the chair, calmly and gently set him back on it. Do this as many times as necessary until he gets the idea this is not a game and you really do mean business. After the allotted time is up (I like one minute per year but it’s up to you; just be consistent and don’t let it go on too long), remove him from the chair but only if he’s sitting calmly. Say, “Since you’re sitting quietly you may get up now.” If he’s still throwing a fit he’s not ready to come out of time out. Wait for him to settle and as soon as he does for a few seconds, remove him from the chair.

That’s it. There’s no need to “discuss” or “process” with him because your actions have already spoken louder than your words possibly could. Use time outs effectively for a few days and you should see his aggressive behaviors decrease. At that point give him some positive feedback such as “Thank you for not hitting.” Even at this young age, he’ll come to realize that getting attention for being good feels much, much better than getting attention for being naughty.