Breaking Up IS Hard to Do

"My long-term relationship ended about five months ago. I’m having a hard time moving on with my life. What’s the best way to get over my ex?"

Although your feelings are due to a breakup rather than a death, there’s no doubt about it: you’re grieving.

There’s no single best way to grieve: what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another. If you’re not breaking any laws, hurting someone else, or becoming addicted to a dangerous substance or behavior, then you’re probably grieving “correctly.” Here are a few other tips to help you cope during this time:

Go at your own pace. Since everyone grieves differently, everyone grieves at a different pace. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because it’s been a few months you “should” be over it by now. If you’re not over it, you’re not over it. Accept that you’re still grieving rather than trying to ignore this fact.

Talk to someone. Or several people, for that matter. Share your feelings with others, but know your audience. If you and your ex have several mutual friends, be careful not to put these people in the middle. Seek to confide in people who can remain objective and tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear. Don’t expect your friends to be your therapist, either; that’s what actual therapists are for!

Grieve. This is a verb, an action word, meaning “to feel great sorrow” (http://dictionary.reference.com/). The best advice I can give is to allow yourself to experience this sorrow naturally. If you hear a song on the radio that reminds you of your ex and the love you used to share, listen to the song. Recognize any accompanying emotions (whether sadness or anger or both) for what they are. Similarly, don’t avoid significant places that remind you of your ex. Doing so is symbolic of trying to ignore the lingering feelings you have about your  relationship. The way to get over grief is not around it but through it. Work through your sadness and anger and you’ll be on your way to wellness.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.