Trouble Letting Go

"My husband was involved with another woman five years ago. He has admitted to having an “emotional affair” but insists it never went any further. I don’t have any proof, but I strongly believe there was physical intimacy, too. He swears up and down nothing sexual happened, and he even says he’ll take a polygraph test if I want. Do you think that’s a good idea?"

In a word: no.

For starters, it’s well-documented that polygraphs or lie-detectors are not 100% accurate. Conceivably, your husband could be so nervous about “messing up” that the test would misread his anxiety as evidence he was lying. Assuming the affair was not physical; the test could provide a false positive indicating the affair was physical. Then you and he would both be unnecessarily upset and hurt. Polygraph tests are not permissible in court and could do more harm than good in your relationship.

Furthermore, your husband shouldn’t have to subject himself to this procedure, although it’s good of him to offer. Yes, he erred in his decision to engage in an emotional relationship with another woman five years ago. You obviously made the decision to stay with him despite this mistake, and the burden of forgiveness is on the victim, not the transgressor. He betrayed your trust by becoming emotionally involved outside the marriage, but for the sake of your relationship you’re either going to have to take his word that the affair was not physical or, if you can’t bring yourself to do that, go ahead and assume there was more to the affair than the emotional connection. But you can’t hold this against him. Instead, forgive this “perceived transgression” as well.

If you just can’t manage forgiving him for something he may not have even done, then it’s time to seek the help of an expert. I would recommend finding a clinic wherein you and your husband can meet with one counselor for couples’ work and you can meet with a separate counselor. The focus of your individual therapy should be putting issues from the past to rest once and for all.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.