Texting Trouble

"My husband has been texting with an old girlfriend. I've told him how uncomfortable that makes me, but he says that they are just friends. How can I make him realize how hurtful it is to me? I'm afraid something more may happen between them."

In this day and age of smart phones and social networking, more and more people are connecting and "hooking up" through devices. Increasingly it seems that cheating is starting with "emotional affairs," and, in many cases, progressing to physical acts of infidelity. It's almost as if these new means of communication are allowing for more seeds to be planted (and planted more easily at that); seeds which quickly grow into weeds if left unattended. I can't say that this is or will become the case with your husband, but it does seem that you have just cause for your concern. There are a couple of issues here to consider:

1) You've already communicated to your husband that you don't want him texting his ex, and he more or less blew you off. Talk to him again and be assertive. Don't feel like you have to lay down ultimatums, but be clear that you are the wife, she is the ex, you take precedence and you do not feel comfortable with him exchanging text messages with her. State specifically and behaviorally what you want to (not) happen (e.g. "Please do not continue communicating with her via text or email"). If he still won't budge, tell him it's time to see a marriage counselor. This may get his attention and he will then stop. If not, actually make arrangements to follow through and see a counselor!

2) You don't trust your husband. Maybe it's simply because he did not recognize how hurt you were by his communicating with his ex-girlfriend, or maybe there are real, deep-seeded issues here which undermine your ability to trust him. Ask yourself and think carefully about your answer to these questions, "Why does it bother me that he's communicating with her?" and "Why can't I trust him to keep it platonic?" Again, I must recommend seeing a marriage counselor to address the apparent lack of trust in your relationship.

3) Trust your gut. If you can't shake the nagging feeling that something "feels fishy" about all of this, you should openly and assertively express these feelings to your husband.

Don't let it slide. Be proactive and take a stand. You may be wrong and there's nothing to be concerned about; on the other hand, you may be right and an old flame is about to reignite. Either way, it's your marriage you're working to protect, so stay the course until you find peace of mind.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.