“My wife has been upset with me because I want to go out with friends. She feels that we should do everything together as a couple. I love her, but I don't feel I have to constantly be with her. How can I let her know that I enjoy spending time with my friends as well as her?”
On the one hand, it’s great that your wife loves you so much that she wants you all to herself! On the other hand, you clearly value your time apart and, judging by your email, you’re beginning to feel somewhat suffocated by all the “togetherness time.” If absence really does make the heart grow fonder, your heart is not being given this opportunity because there is an absence of absence in your relationship!
Healthy marriages allow for both spouses to spend time with other (mutually agreed upon) individuals. The Bible speaks to the importance of this in Proverbs 27:17: “Irons sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (NASB). The question then becomes what are you doing with your friends to “sharpen” each other? (Sorry, something like strip clubs probably won’t count here…but that would explain your wife’s reluctance to let you spend time with the guys!) You may need and even benefit from some time out of the house in the company of friends, but this should be discussed with your wife beforehand. Like it or not, as your spouse she should get a say in who you’re seeing and what you’re doing. Many men expect to have this authority over their partners, and it’s only fair if such a “power of veto” is reciprocal. Think of it this way: giving your wife a say regarding who you’ll see and what you’ll do should make her feel more comfortable about you taking off for the night.
Speaking of fairness, assuming that your wife is left with extra household responsibilities (e.g. taking care of the kids) when you’re out with the boys, try giving her the opportunity to go out with her friends while you take care of things at home. If you go out one Friday night, she should have the chance to go out with the girls the next Friday. You could also first take the initiative to plan a special date night for just the two of you, communicating that as much as you like spending time with your friends, you also really enjoy quality time with her. Hopefully your wife is your very best friend. Make her feel that she is by communicating your appreciation for her, showing how much you care, and watch as she becomes more comfortable with the prospect of you occasionally spending time with friends.
Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.
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