Trouble Letting Go

"My husband was involved with another woman five years ago. He has admitted to having an “emotional affair” but insists it never went any further. I don’t have any proof, but I strongly believe there was physical intimacy, too. He swears up and down nothing sexual happened, and he even says he’ll take a polygraph test if I want. Do you think that’s a good idea?"

In a word: no.

For starters, it’s well-documented that polygraphs or lie-detectors are not 100% accurate. Conceivably, your husband could be so nervous about “messing up” that the test would misread his anxiety as evidence he was lying. Assuming the affair was not physical; the test could provide a false positive indicating the affair was physical. Then you and he would both be unnecessarily upset and hurt. Polygraph tests are not permissible in court and could do more harm than good in your relationship.

Furthermore, your husband shouldn’t have to subject himself to this procedure, although it’s good of him to offer. Yes, he erred in his decision to engage in an emotional relationship with another woman five years ago. You obviously made the decision to stay with him despite this mistake, and the burden of forgiveness is on the victim, not the transgressor. He betrayed your trust by becoming emotionally involved outside the marriage, but for the sake of your relationship you’re either going to have to take his word that the affair was not physical or, if you can’t bring yourself to do that, go ahead and assume there was more to the affair than the emotional connection. But you can’t hold this against him. Instead, forgive this “perceived transgression” as well.

If you just can’t manage forgiving him for something he may not have even done, then it’s time to seek the help of an expert. I would recommend finding a clinic wherein you and your husband can meet with one counselor for couples’ work and you can meet with a separate counselor. The focus of your individual therapy should be putting issues from the past to rest once and for all.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

Mental Health Monday: "Anger Management"

Everyone gets angry from time to time. The key is learning to recognize when anger is getting the best of us, and then to implement some effective techniques to stop anger before it boils over.

One useful strategy is to decompress through relaxation. When you feel anger coming on, take a big breath, inhaling deeply through your nose. You should feel your lungs fill with air. While you’re slowly exhaling through the mouth, mentally repeat a calming phrase to yourself such as “relax” or “I can get through this.” You can also try imagining a pleasant scene, like a sunny day at the beach.

Another strategy to manage anger is to remove yourself from a situation when possible. Take a break from whatever it is that’s bothering you, but don’t avoid the matter altogether. Ask yourself why the source of your anger has so much power over you. Is it really worth it?

Remember, your anger is your responsibility. You can blame it on other people, your genetic makeup, the weather, or the rising price of gas. There will always be something to “make” you mad, if you choose to allow yourself to be mad. This is a critical point about anger management: anger comes and goes, washing over us like waves. Little can be done to control anger itself (the emotion), but plenty can be done behaviorally to control the expression of anger, including the techniques of deep breathing, visualization, and time out described above.

The next time you’re angry, realize you are having a natural human response, but hold yourself accountable to handling anger appropriately and responsibly.

Steps to Overcome Shyness

“I'm 26 years old, male, and a little on the heavy side, but not obese. I've never been in a serious relationship. I would like to date more but I don't feel comfortable approaching girls, and online dating is not for me. I guess you could say I'm pretty shy. What can I do to meet new people?”

Psychologist Philip Zimbardo has studied and written much about shyness, describing it as a "self-imposed prison." If you're "locked inside yourself," it may feel like there's nothing that can free you from the shackles of shyness. The truth is that shyness really is a choice--thus the phrase self-imposed prison. Some people are naturally quieter and socially withdrawn for a variety of reasons, possibly including genetic predispositions and life experiences, but the forces that may have contributed to your shyness are not life sentences.

If you really want to get out and make new friends, commit yourself to doing so. Understandably, this will not be easy for a shy guy like you, so start off small. Go to a public place where you feel reasonably comfortable and sit for awhile. If you can't work up the nerve to approach someone and start a conversation, let someone approach you and do your best to develop some rapport with that individual. Then make a pledge that you'll speak with someone new the next time you go out. Remember you can't control other people, so if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. You should feel good about yourself for making the effort to step outside your comfort zone.

Given that you could stand to lose a few pounds, I strongly recommend joining a gym. For starters, you will feel better about yourself, and your confidence will increase through routinely exercising. Second, you will be around other people and have ample opportunity to make new friends. You might always be the "quiet guy," but that doesn't mean you need to be the "lonely guy," too. If you're serious about meeting new people, these tips should give you the keys needed to unlock your self-imposed prison. The question is, are you ready?

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

"Game Over"

"My 10-year-old son has become a video game addict. He loves to play PS3 and Wii at home, and when we go out he’s got his Nintendo DS glued to his face. How can I help him kick the habit?"

If you’re married, the first step is to talk with your partner about how much video game time is acceptable per day in your household. Are there differences for school days and weekends? (Hint: There should be!) Does your son need to complete his homework before he is allowed to turn on the PlayStation or the Wii? (Another hint: Probably a good idea!) Before you talk with your son and set some limits for video gaming, be sure you and your partner are on the same page so you can present your concerns and the new rules as a “united front.” For separated couples, it’s good practice to let your ex- know about the limits you’re setting regarding video games, but keep in mind your child’s other parent is free to decide what, if any, rules he or she chooses to implement.

Expect some push-back from your son when you put the rules in place. He’s been allowed to spend pretty much unlimited time on video games and now he’s got to play by your rules. Suffice it to say, he’s not going to be too pleased and he’ll probably try every trick in the book to get you to renege. Stay the course and be consistent about the rules; remember you’re the boss and your son’s well-being is job one. Sure, video games are fun and sometimes they’re even beneficial, but “everything in moderation” is important to remember here. Make sure your son has ample opportunity to play outdoors and to use imagination—in other words, don’t let his love of video games rob him of his childhood.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

Doomed to Fail?

“I met a man through an online dating service several months ago. We talked online for some time before meeting in person. We really hit it off and our chemistry is great. I thought he was “the one,” but then I found out he’s married. My instincts tell me I should move on, but I’m not so sure. What do you think?”

Trust your instincts.

Sure things were really clicking between the two of you up until you learned that one minor detail…he’s married. Happily or unhappily, married is married. For him to seek a relationship with another woman is not a good predictor about his stability in future relationships. If you were to continue seeing this man, the honeymoon phase will eventually end and then doubt will begin to creep in, slowly but surely. He cheated on his wife with you. He very well would cheat on you with someone else. Can you really trust him?

Then there’s the question of your own reputation. If you keep seeing him, and he keeps hiding your relationship from his wife, he (and you) will eventually get caught. How would it feel to have a reputation as a “home-wrecker”? Is this really any way to start an intimate relationship?

I could be wrong. Who knows? You and he could be very happy together in a trusting, committed relationship. But statistics about trysts like this—and your own gut instincts—suggest otherwise. Listen to them both.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

Growing Up Too Fast

“My sister created a Facebook account for her 10-year-old daughter. The little girl has pictures of herself in scantily clad clothes and looks much older than she is actually. I've tried to reason with her and let her know how unsafe this is and she refuses to do anything about it. How can I help my niece?”

Facebook regulations state users must be at least at least 13 years of age, and Facebook requests on its privacy policy page that individuals who have information about children under the age of 13 with accounts tell Facebook about such infractions (http://www.facebook.com/policy.php). It’s up to you whether you want to report your niece; given that you’ve gotten nowhere communicating your concerns to your sister it would certainly be understandable (and admirable, I think) for you to tip off the powers-that-be at Facebook.

Keep in mind, though, that doing so is a short-term solution to a long-term problem. I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact that your sister allows her daughter to post pictures of herself to the Internet in which she’s scantily clad, or the fact that your sister allows your niece to dress in this way (and take pictures of herself in this manner) to begin with. Six of one, half-dozen of another perhaps...but a Facebook account at the age of 10 sounds like it’s just the tip of the iceberg; symbolic of a little girl who’s growing up faster than need be and a mother who stands back or even actively encourages her daughter to act like she’s much older than her true age.

You don’t sound like you’re ready to stand back and watch this happen without intervening further. Since your sister doesn’t seem to get it, maybe it’s time to talk with your niece directly—but don’t stop at just verbally communicating your concerns. Get permission from your sister to spend some quality time with your niece: have her over for a night or even a weekend and communicate your values to her by example. In other words, be a positive role model and show her women don’t need to be dressed in skimpy clothing to be accepted. Show her that there’s nothing wrong with being 10 years old and there’s no need to act like something you’re not. Show her you care, and, with time, maybe her mom will start to care, too.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

Mental Health Monday: "Understanding Suicide"

At some point in our lives, everyone is touched by the suicide of someone we know, maybe even the suicide of someone we love. Although many people are understandably uncomfortable with the subject, learning about suicidal thoughts and gestures may very well help you stop someone from dying by his or her own hand.

It’s important to recognize that not everyone who has thoughts of suicide has real intent to commit suicide, but how can you determine whether someone possesses actual intent? Of course all threats should be taken seriously, but pay particular attention to these risk factors which, statistically speaking, indicate a “successful” or completed suicide is all the more likely:

• Previous attempts of suicide

• Alcohol or substance abuse

• Family history of mental illness and suicide

• Access to firearms

• Talk of a well-defined suicide plan

 For teenagers, research indicates that girls are more likely to discuss and even attempt suicide, but boys are much more likely to carry through with suicide. People who consider killing themselves have at least one thing in common: severe emotional distress resulting in a profound loss of hope. If you or someone you know are experiencing thoughts of suicide please know there are many people who want to help....and where there’s help, there’s hope.

The Trouble with Teens

"How do I keep my daughter away from the wrong crowd? She seems to be migrating towards some girls who don't care about school and may be doing drugs. My daughter is a great kid and student, but she doesn't seem to have a lot of friends. How can I encourage her to make better friends?"

This is a slippery slope, because for most teenagers a natural sense of rebellion will kick in: the more you push your daughter toward making friends you approve of, the more inclined she might become to run the opposite direction. Your assessment that “my daughter is a great kid and student” indicates you do trust your daughter…naturally, you probably consider the girls she’s been seeing as less than trustworthy. Although this can be alarming to parents, it’s a good idea not to overreact at this point. Communicate your concerns openly to your daughter and monitor her closely; if you have any suspicion that she’s turned to drugs herself, don’t be afraid to administer a home drug test (available at most pharmacies).

However, it doesn’t sound like your level of concern is high enough to warrant a drug screening at this point. So, for the time being, continue to trust your daughter and trust yourself as a parent; you’ve helped her get this far in life and you’re proud of her accomplishments, so my hope is you’ve also instilled within her a moral compass that will eventually point her away from the “wrong” crowd.

Ready or not, your daughter’s growing up. She’s gaining independence and, for better or worse, you’re naturally losing control. This is how it’s supposed to play out in adolescence; this is where the proverbial “rubber hits the road” as you get to see your daughter start to make decisions for herself. Perhaps one of the hardest things a parent must learn is to stand back and let your teenager start to take charge of his or her life. If she makes a mistake, seize the opportunity for a “teachable moment.” Your daughter will be happy—even relieved—to see you’re still there for her, no matter what.
Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.

Boys' Night Out

“My wife has been upset with me because I want to go out with friends. She feels that we should do everything together as a couple. I love her, but I don't feel I have to constantly be with her. How can I let her know that I enjoy spending time with my friends as well as her?”

On the one hand, it’s great that your wife loves you so much that she wants you all to herself! On the other hand, you clearly value your time apart and, judging by your email, you’re beginning to feel somewhat suffocated by all the “togetherness time.” If absence really does make the heart grow fonder, your heart is not being given this opportunity because there is an absence of absence in your relationship!

Healthy marriages allow for both spouses to spend time with other (mutually agreed upon) individuals. The Bible speaks to the importance of this in Proverbs 27:17: “Irons sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (NASB). The question then becomes what are you doing with your friends to “sharpen” each other? (Sorry, something like strip clubs probably won’t count here…but that would explain your wife’s reluctance to let you spend time with the guys!) You may need and even benefit from some time out of the house in the company of friends, but this should be discussed with your wife beforehand. Like it or not, as your spouse she should get a say in who you’re seeing and what you’re doing. Many men expect to have this authority over their partners, and it’s only fair if such a “power of veto” is reciprocal. Think of it this way: giving your wife a say regarding who you’ll see and what you’ll do should make her feel more comfortable about you taking off for the night.

Speaking of fairness, assuming that your wife is left with extra household responsibilities (e.g. taking care of the kids) when you’re out with the boys, try giving her the opportunity to go out with her friends while you take care of things at home. If you go out one Friday night, she should have the chance to go out with the girls the next Friday. You could also first take the initiative to plan a special date night for just the two of you, communicating that as much as you like spending time with your friends, you also really enjoy quality time with her. Hopefully your wife is your very best friend. Make her feel that she is by communicating your appreciation for her, showing how much you care, and watch as she becomes more comfortable with the prospect of you occasionally spending time with friends.

Disclaimer: Although the advice contained in this Web site frequently makes mention of diagnostic criteria and treatment options, it is not intended to replace the opinion of a qualified mental health professional who could directly and more specifically address the issues and concerns at hand; nor is the advice contained herein offered as substitution for psychotherapy or other professional mental health services. Individuals with mental health concerns are advised to seek treatment in person through a licensed professional. The author of the content on this Web site, Bryan J. Hall, LMHC, makes no guarantees regarding the advice offered and reminds readers to use personal discretion when deciding what, if any, advice or suggestions to accept and implement.