Mental Health Monday: "Mean Girls"

Guys are often thought of as the more aggressive sex, but research indicates women are equally aggressive, although in fundamentally different ways. With testosterone coursing through their veins, it’s generally true that males are quicker to physically act out their anger. Naturally, females aren’t as likely to express their discontent using fisticuffs, but they are much more inclined to seek retaliation against others using the potentially destructive power of words. As one child subject told researchers Britt Galen and Marion Underwood in 1997: “Boys may use their fists to fight, but at least it’s over with quickly; girls use their tongues, and it goes on forever.”

I once heard a young man on a reality TV show refer to such female aggression rather crudely as “vaginal insecurity.” The psychological term for this phenomenon is indirect or relational aggression, and usually involves starting rumors, spreading gossip, telling lies, and good old fashioned backstabbing (as opposed to the direct method of aggression which usually entails the use of physical force). From an evolutionary perspective, the guy on the reality show was on to something with his phrase. As the theory goes, women are inclined to turn against one another because they are in competition with other women for male attention and approval.

The question is what can be done about indirect/relational/vaginal aggression? This form of aggression is everywhere: schools, workplaces, churches—anywhere humans exist, so too does aggression. My general advice is to stay out of it whenever possible, be assertive in your responses, and above all else, take the high road. Someone using this form of aggression isn’t very happy in life for whatever reason(s)—perhaps she (or he) is trying to reel you into his or her world of negativity. As the saying goes, “misery loves company.” Don’t give your aggressor what they want, but be prepared for the attacks to continue. Be persistent in your responsible response, which, in time, will serve to extinguish the flames of relational aggression.

For more specific advice, please send your experiences and questions regarding relational aggression to wisebry@yahoo.com.